That’s right, it’s your fault.
I have been trying to let go of the self, and focus on others. I know that once I forget the self, my suffering goes away. But this is giving me a headache!
You all have so many struggles that you are dealing with. Anger issues, Family problems, financial struggles, the list goes on and on. My brain is constantly bombarded with so much suffering, that I’m dizzy from it.
I always try to simply be an observer, and view these things without judgment. I do my best to not make them personal. And I always view everyone as a valuable human being and wish them peace and happiness. Sending them loving kindness and compassion.
But then I realize, if I am to live in this World I need to accept this headache. Unless I were to move into the woods and live like a Monk. And I don’t see that happening anytime soon.
So now I ask myself, where am I going wrong. Why am I finding this so painful and exhausting?
I could be wrong, but I think it is all tied to expectation.
I am delusionally thinking that if I am loving and kind towards you that you will be happy! But I am beginning to see it does not work like that. My happiness, right action, right speech, right intention, have little to do with your own inner peace. I can have that intention, but I must have intention without expectation.
Perhaps too, I may be trying too hard.
I read, study, practice and meditate daily. And I think this too puts an expectation on the self.
Why haven’t I gotten farther in my practice? Why do I often feel as though I am walking with heavy boots through deep mud?
I suppose I have to be kind and compassionate to myself right now. Accept that I do the best I can for this moment. And that’s all.
When I spoke to Bhante Sujatha about this, he replied “Slowly is Holy”.
Oh that Bhante, he always knows what to say!
But in my typical “ego driven” fashion, I replied “Slowly is painfully”.
Afterward I realized what a negative, self-pitying reply I had given.
I wonder if I gave him a headache! ;-)
So thank you for listening to me, and I hope I didn’t give each of you a headache.
Because I do see now, that I give myself the headache. It’s not you at all.
It’s my own ignorance shining through, and a reminder that I still have much work to do.
May you be well, happy, and peaceful
