Yes, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep, there is a battle raging.
Consciousness and mindfulness wrestle with each other for dominance.
Long standing patterns and habits of attachment and self are ever present. Mindfulness, at times, feels like lifting a 300 pound barbell.
Financial pressures are a typical situation that causes me to become completely absorbed with the self. I justify this by thinking how my responsibility to my Family demands this sort of suffering.
But when I am able to be mindful, I see that there are two things happening here. First is, that I am attaching a story to this suffering. Asking myself, what if I can’t pay the bills, or what if I lose my business, what will I do?
None of this is reality, only stories in my mind. A lot of “what if’s”.
And the second thing I observe, is that this state of sadness/depression/worry, do not benefit anyone. And they certainly do not benefit me. I am only creating a sense of despair and helplessness, and devaluing the love I have for myself.
If I do not have love for the self, what love do I have for others- for my Family, my friends, or the World?
So I return myself to the present moment, thankful for this life. Thankful for my Family, my friends, my home, the bounty of blessings that I have in my life this very moment.
Instantly my mindfulness brings me back, and I am smiling once again.
But the battle rages on! Moment by moment I am faced with people and situations that give rise to disturbing emotions.
Sometimes anger towards me can set off the ego, and sometimes others suffering can cause feelings of frustration or sadness.
Each and every time, I try to bring myself back to this moment and be mindful of reality. Accepting that this is life and the World I live in. I cannot change or control anyone. But I can however be more mindful and compassionate.
I believe we all struggle sometimes in similar ways. But the Buddha, the dhamma, and the sangha are there to support each of us.
Your friendship and loving kindness constantly support and encourage me. And I am so very thankful for your spiritual friendship.
May you each be well, happy and peaceful.