Have you ever felt consumed by a state of overwhelming sadness and despair? I can only guess that you have.
I have some reservations about discussing this today for two reasons. One, I do not want to make you sad by reading this, and two, I want to be mindful that I am not just singing the blues here.
So as I write this, I question the benefit that this may offer to others.
Hopefully, as I type the words, some epiphany will illuminate itself so there may be a benefit to you.
First of all, I am examining my mind to try and see clearly the root of this sadness that weighs on me like a brick on my chest. And as I examine my mind, I see that self is once again the culprit of my despair. I want to change so many circumstances right now, and am feeling hopeless in changing any of them right now. But notice how this last sentence started with the word “I”. In addition to the self issue, I also have desire and wish to control these circumstances.
So if I let go of the self, and let go of desire, where does that leave me? How do I act or behave?
I’m really not sure, because I have not traveled far enough along this path to have wisdom for this. I am still fully caught up in illusion and samsara. And because it is about me, even this awareness causes me suffering. This is upadana, the grasping for freedom from suffering.
Today I read a Blog post by a dead man. Derek Miller seemed to be a good student of the dhamma. He wrote his last post just before he died, and asked his Family to publish it after he was gone.
In the end, he was not sorry about his death or leaving this existence, but he was sad that he would not be here to help his children.
Of course, my thoughts once again turned to the self. Am I ready to accept the impermanence of life? Am I ready to let go of my loved ones, and the reality that I will not be there for them?
I certainly am not my dear friends.
I have so much more to learn, so much more wisdom to be gained. Yet I also know that grasping for it is like sweeping a dusty garage with the doors closed.
I have no guarantee of time left in this World, so I must be awake now. Yet grasping for wisdom only moves the dust around, and I see no more clearly than before.
I can only see one solution for this moment, and that is one of acceptance.
If I have sadness now, I need to be sad. It’s OK to be sad. Letting go of this, allows the next moment to arise. The door is open, the dust may blow out, and perhaps I will see a bit more clearly.
And if I do not, I need to accept that as well.
So I’m not sure if this was any benefit to you, but my sincere wish is that it was.
For me, I worked through it, and can see that kindness and acceptance will put a little wind beneath my wings.
Thank you for being with me, and as always…
May you be well, happy and peaceful.
