I have come to realize that my best quality is also my worst.
I seem to be wired in a way that I always want to accomplish whatever goals I set out to do. I have big shoulders, and a strong determination that whatever needs to get done will get done.
My Mom was this way also. Quietly and patiently my Mom would handle whatever happened financially or emotionally with the Family.
My Mom and Dad got divorced when I was very young, so I think I felt a duty to be the man of the house. I needed to be like my Mom also, and take care of everything that I could.
I am eternally grateful to my Mom for setting such a good example for me, in so many ways.
But I do see today that my drive for accomplishment and to take control of situations, is actually a big problem in my practice.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to make progress on my path. And I see that I am actually doing the opposite by putting those expectations on myself.
I need to remind myself, that when I sit down on the cushion, to shut up and just be there. Simply be present and witness my breath. Nowhere to go, nothing to accomplish, no goal or finish line. Just be there.
This is easy to say, but I often find it hard to do. My mind often wanders towards projects that need to be finished, friends who need help, inner struggles that I want to fix.
This is not the purpose of meditation. It’s not a time to take control or make wishes come true. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, no finish line.
It’s a time for nothingness. Just breathing, watching my mind like a silent observer. No judgments or expectations. Letting these thoughts and image arise and fall just as my breath does.
Such a simple task that I often make so difficult.
So I share this today for three reasons. One, just to remind myself. Two, that perhaps you will see that we all struggle sometimes. And three, to try and let go of my ego.
Do you see, I just did it again! Even this post seems to have goals attached to it.
I am a work in progress my friends. Thank you so much for walking with me.
May you be well, happy and peaceful.