To see me in person, one might think I am a large tough Biker type guy. And to read my Blog, one might think I am a very good Buddhist and have a good understanding of the dhamma and Pali words.
But both of those assumptions are completely incorrect.
I, in fact, have baby skin. Thin, delicate and fragile.
All the knowledge that I have gained so far from studying the dhamma, can escape me at any moment.
I am sometimes so disappointed in myself, and angry that I lack mindfulness and wisdom, I just want to give up.
Fortunately, I read something this morning about how many people think Buddhist practice is the easy way. When in fact, it may be the hardest path. Conquering the mind is a huge challenge. And I can tell you that for me personally, I have found this to be very true.
For instance, I try to begin every day by having the intention to serve others and bring happiness to others lives. To be of benefit to all other beings. I have intention to be mindful of each moment, and pay attention to each breath.
But in the blink of an eye, I realize that my ego has taken over and mindfulness is nowhere to be found.
Becoming angry, hurt, sad and depressed all within moments.
Sometimes I am able to see this and just breathe. Bringing myself back to a place of compassion and loving kindness.
But other times, it’s as though I am falling down a hill and cannot stop myself.
So I write this today looking for guidance. I know that I have many Noble friends who are reading this, and perhaps they can shed some light on this for me. For all of us who struggle.
I know that Bhante Sujatha says “slowly is holy”, but my “baby skin” is far too sensitive.
I can only hope that my determination to practice will either thicken my skin, or show me that this is simply one more thing to accept.
Again, Bhante’s words come to my mind. “Accept, be Mindful, and Cultivate”.
May you be well, happy and peaceful.