The first step in fixing yourself is to understand that you are not broken. You may be hurt, down-hearted, alone, depressed, or angry, but you are not broken. Yet still you may struggle, as I do, with feeling as though you need to fix yourself from these self-destructive patterns. And for me, a major source of this come from my idea that I have to fix others.
As I have stated previously, I have always had a tendency to be a “fixer” in my life. And although it has always proven to be fruitless and unskillful, again and again I continue this behavior. The conclusion that I am coming to, is that by judging others as unwise, I deceive myself into thinking my thoughts and actions are somehow superior. This would all appear to be a relentless pursuit to get the whole World to think, feel, speak and act in the same way that I do. And not only would this make for a truly boring existence, but which of us could learn anything if we all thought and acted alike?
Sitting with myself, I begin to see more and more the importance of equanimity (upekkha). Compassion without attachment or desire is the key, but I have also found that aversion (dosa) can be equally destructive. Equanimity does not mean that I don’t care, but that I care deeply and fully, but without it being mine. And slowly but surely I begin to better understand Dependent Origination (paticcasamuppāda). How the arising of “I” is where suffering begins, but can also end if we eliminate this delusion. And every time that I begin to think how another person should be speaking or acting, it is “I” that has arisen and begun another cycle of suffering. But with clarity, I can also see that the other person is never the source of my suffering at all. It is my personalization of it, and the futile attempt to change what needs not be changed. My ego continues to create glass walls that separate us, and the only way to fix this is to stop making it mine.
Once again I am reminded of Bhante Sujatha‘s simple teaching… “accept, be mindful, and cultivate”. And the deep understanding here is that this is truly all that any of us really need to do.
