This is a really good story, because it is my story. You don’t understand, and you couldn’t possibly understand because it is about me and my feelings. What happened is just so upsetting and unfair to me. And if you knew all the details, and saw things from my perspective, you would be just as upset as I am.
I really don’t know what to do about this situation, because it is so difficult and has no clear solution. So I’m stuck suffering, sad, angry and even feeling a little hopeless.
Do you think if I talk to enough people, that someone can solve my problem for me? Do you think that maybe one right person, like a counselor, a Monk or a Priest might have the answers for me?
Well, for me personally, I can assure that none of these people have the answer or solution. This is life.
Life through my own eyes has a very limited scope and wisdom. Ego tends to be a powerful force that constantly influences all of my thoughts then my emotions. What I want, who I am, what I believe, are constantly tainting every situation that crosses my path. This ignorant idea that I can or should control anything or anyone only serves to be a continual source of dissatisfaction in my life. No one else creates this suffering in my life, yet like a hamster on a wheel I continue living in this delusion.
So I question what it will take to finally awaken from this, let go of the ego and the desire to control, and live lovingly and with complete acceptance.
The answer I find, as always, lies within the silence of my practice. And perhaps this change in thinking and behavior has not yet fully changed or developed, but it has increased. I am reminded of Bhante Sujatha’s words that “slowly is holy”. Being patient with the self, or more importantly accepting the self, is the training that is needed to be free of these hindrances. The Buddha taught about the Five Hindrances, and I am becoming increasingly aware of the truth in this teaching. Sensual desire, Ill-will, Sloth and torpor, Restlessness and remorse, and Skeptical doubt, are all obstacles to progressing on the path.
Stories only seem to feed the hungry ghost of desire. And I see desire as a core root of all suffering. Drop the story, extinguish desire, and be fully present and accepting. This is my path, and this is my determination to awaken.
May you be well, happy and peaceful.
