I have wanted to write more about attachments for quite awhile now. But as I look at my thoughts on this, I find that I really lack in wisdom and clarity on this subject.
So please understand this is just my attempt to think it through in words.
I sat here this morning feeling a sadness and emptiness. I was doing my best to be mindful and see what was causing this for me. I just could not figure it out.
Well, it just came to me. Bhante is out of town, and I feel an emptiness because he is not here.
Well doesn’t that sound silly? It’s not like he died or something, he is just away on a trip. So why am I suffering?
I am suffering because I have a strong attachment to him. Something he tries to teach me not to have!
Well some student I am!
So how does one let go of these attachments? To say the words is very easy. To truly not have these attachments is a completely different story.
I suppose that being aware of these attachments is the first step. Kind of like a 12 step program for alcoholics. The first step is admitting you have a problem. The difference from the 12 step program in Buddhism, is you don’t look for any outside power to help you. The power is within your own mind.
I can clearly see this is true. I can just as clearly see that I have a very untrained mind.
I think perhaps I need to see all of my attachments in the same way. They are illusions which cause me suffering. Just as Bhante is not gone, only my perception is of him being gone. And I need to see that if Bhante moved to a different country, or even died, he would not be gone. He is a part of me as much as I am a part of him. Nothing would change, unless I allowed my illusions to control me.
My Mother died many years ago. But she is truly still with me every day. I see her gentleness all around me, I feel her warmth when the Sun shines on my face, I see her footsteps as I walk with my Family.
So does this mean that I really have learned to let go of attachments? Absolutely not.
I miss my Mom every day. And I miss Bhante, knowing he is out of town.
What I do have is a little more awareness, or better perspective on my attachments. I can see that it all starts with my attachment to myself. As long as I cling to my idea of self, I will suffer so many attachments.
But like Bhante teaches, forgive yourself. Be kind and compassionate to the self.
So that is what I will do. I will move forward moment by moment, and do so with loving kindness to my self.
