Sometimes I really find my practice more difficult than others. One minute I am well, happy and peaceful; the next moment I feel weak and full of despair.
This morning is one of those low moments, when negative thoughts and emotions seem to be sweeping my mind.
This seemed to lift my spirits a bit, as I felt there is a support base around me. People like you, who have love and compassion for me.
But still I am weak. Feeling rundown, stressed, shackled by bills and obligations.
Am I alone in this? Do you have these feelings?
I rarely get comments on this Blog, so I hope you will consider sharing your thoughts this time. And if not, I know I need to be mindful that this too is simply a desire arising in my mind.
But perhaps all of this is due to desires in my mind. A desire to be free of these stresses, a desire to have more fun and social life, a desire to be valued. If I really think about it, it does seem that all of these feelings are tied to desires.
And as I write this, I am seeing that it is also the self that drives these desires.
So you see, this practice of mindfulness and acceptance are truly a challenge for me. Yes, sometimes they flow easily and naturally. But I am aware that even that is impermanent. Perhaps I attach to those feelings of bliss, and when they are not present I suffer out of desire for them.
I was with my little girl at the store yesterday. And when we left, I told her it is really amazing how so many strangers just smile at me when I am well, happy and peaceful. It is as though I radiate loving kindness, and people just naturally respond to that in a positive way.
It’s a wonderful feeling to see the smiles of others, and connect in a silent way like that.
And I know that it is only because of my practice that this type of connection happens. When I am open and loving, I see that others can easily feel this.
But now, I have to experience the other side of this experience. The disconnection and sadness I am witnessing in this moment.
As I can continue to practice, I hope to finally let go of the attachment to either feeling. To simply be present and accepting of each moment as it rises and falls. No clinging or story to be added. Just this moment, then the next.
I believe that once I am able to see that there is no black or white, no good or bad, then finally I will have gained some wisdom.
But for now I struggle with the duality, and ignorance of my own mind.
Thank you once again for your Noble friendship. I can try with a little help from my friends.
Be well, be happy and be peaceful.
Joe Cocker- I can try with a little help from my friends.